Dear Auto-Repairman

Mood: Impatient
Listening To: The Notwist
Location: Work


Dear Ken, the Auto-Repairman,
So I've been to your car shop no less than 3 times over the last month. No, not because I love it there (which is what you said), but because you told me I needed a fuel injection, a new power steering pump and a new sensor. Whatever the fuck all of that means. All I know is I could've purchased 3-5 pairs of hot jeans with the money I forked over. Or 9 cases of wine. Or multiple rounds of golf. Or purchase the new driver I want at least 5 times.

However. None of that irks me as much as the "loaner" car I had to drive today. When I arrived to drop off this morning the guy was very friendly. Then he says "Hey Ken, pull 'round the Maxima fer the lady". He's yelling of course, because you guys always yell at car places.

So I'm thinking, okay, not bad. A Maxima is a just fine car. Then you open the front door and I see those fucking seat covers. I would rather drive the jankiest dirt car ever than sit on those awful things. Seriously, you gotta get those off of there. They are torn, stained and all around atrocious. I feel dirty and not in a good way. Thanks for adding insult to injury. When I left I said I hope I never see you again (because of course that would mean more car issues), and you said it hurt your feelings. I meant it.
sk

Dear Friends

Mood: Ready
Listening To: Enon
Location: Work

Dear Friends,
Remember, if you meet the following criteria, chances are I will do or instigate a photo shoot with you. And chances are, I will probably post said hilarious photos in all their glory for everyone's distaste and possible enjoyment.

Criteria:
1. Get stupid black-out drunk (okay sure, it happens).
2. Enter hot tub in your draws (fair enough, sometimes we forget our swimsuit).
3. Fall asleep in hot tub (danger).
4. Stumble downstairs alone and pass out in a janky recliner (unsanitary).
5. Sleep there all night in your wet draws posed all weird muttering things like "fucking hell" and "i'm so cold" in between fat-man snores and hairy belly rubs (over the top. somebody get the camera).

Thanks for the entertainment Pete. You are really... something.
-sk

Stop it old lady.

Dear Mema,
How do I put this delicately... for the love all that is good, stop forwarding me this bullshit. Take a look at that subject line.



You gotta be out of your damn mind. What, like the "IT WAS ON GOOD MORNING AMERICA TODAY SHOW" pays off the pleading and annoying multiple "EEEEEE's"? And because I'm not an old bored lady I don't watch those fucking shows anyway. If I had absolutely nothing to do, I still wouldn't watch that shit. I get emails from you with subject lines like that at least once a day. Give it a rest or I'll break your hip.

Best,
Your ever-loving granddaughter.

Dear Sea Wolf,

Mood: Might be a little drunk
Listening To: Trembling Blue Stars
Location: Home



Dear Sea Wolf,
I said goddamn that was a good show. We thoroughly enjoyed your set. I didn't want it to end. That show was absolutely superb.

Sorry about the douchebag up front and his friend the jagoff who were both wearing their white sunglasses inside. at night. talking loudly.

Watch out for this guy around town. He also did a lot of turning around mid-song and glass clinking. I hated it every time.


Cheers to everyone but DB.
sk

Don't Be That Guy

Mood: Tired
Listening To: Snowden
Location: Cube


To Various Co-Workers,
It seems as though I owe you an apology. Geez, where to begin.
Gosh I feel bad. Here it goes.

I'm so sorry if I gave off the impression that I fucking give a shit about your "best guy friend from high school" who has a "life-long dream to attend the Super Bowl!". Or if I seemed remotely interested in joining your bowling league. Or if I seemed like I would care about your kid's bake sale. Or if I strike you as the sort of person who would want you to indulge me with your political views. Because I don't want to do or support any of those things. The worst part is, I don't even know you.

Did my intranet photo throw you off? Do I come off as super fucking squeaky and friendly? If you're going to hit up people for trivial shit at least keep the list limited to the people you have acquainted yourself with. And don't end it with a sentence like "P.S. Feel free to tell your friends and other people I left off this email :)". Bitch you used like 20 smiley faces in your email. I am not going to "feel free" to send this to my friends.

So quit ear fucking me and quit spamming me with your slammer-riddled emails at work. Some things are worthy and important and condone a send-out to strangers. Some things don't. Learn the difference.
Fucking amateurs.

sk

Dear Stella... I Don't Get It.

Mood: Walking on sunshine. Empowered. Confident. Naughty.
All around good.
Listening To: Cat Power, Jukebox
Location: Mine.



Dear Stella,
I don't understand it. You toy with my emotions. The look on your face when I give you a bath makes my heart bleed. You looked like you were the saddest doggy on this earth. Like I was the meanest person. Your huge sad eyes just staring at me pleading for me to stop. Then you prance around here looking at yourself in the mirror in full-on fancy pants mode. Like you have a fucking tiara on your little head. You realize you look this good because of the bath don't you.
Vexing dog you are.
xo
-your person

To My New Neighbor,

Mood: Average. Hitting the sauce.
Listening To: Sea Wolf
Location: My joint.


Greetings,
Welcome to the neighborhood. I was nervous when I saw the American Furniture Warehouse van drive up to drop off all your new furnishings. You never know what's going to come out of a van like that, could be some cool finds, but most likely, it's going to be some unfortunate looking items.

I cozied up on my couch with a cup of tea to watch the show. The first thing off the truck was this deplorable chair. Growing up I had this friend whose house always smelled like urine. Her family had 4 cats, a few dogs, a coupla' gerbils and of course birds. Her dad also always had dirty hands. Even at the dinner table. I really liked her but I always hated going to her house, unsanitary. At any rate, I swear they had chairs like this one in her house.

Anyway, happy move-in!
Your Neighbor

Enough with the peanuts already.

Mood: Pensive. Getting organized for being back at work.
Listening To: Madvillain
Location: My place. Standing around.


Mom,
For the love of god. Please quit putting peanuts in the holiday chex mix. Nobody likes them but Dad. Look at all those poor peanut rejects. Gross. I'm trashing 'em.
xo

Dear Sigur Rós

Mood: I've been drunk for 7 days.
Listening To: Unkle
Location: big red chair

Dear Sigur Rós,
I was awestruck by the Heima film and so were my friends.
Absolutely breathtaking.

If you're going to bring cookies...

Mood: Ready to fuck off for awhile.
Listening To: Endochine
Location: cube

Dear holiday cookie bringers,
So it's the holidays and you're spreading the cheer with your warm fuzzies and your blah blah blah. And you're also bringing cookies into the office. Here's the thing. If you're going to bring cookies into the office they better be good fucking cookies.

Check out these cookies. Who brought in these fucking cookies?! They look radioactive. Did your 8 year old make these? Yeah, your mickey mouse paper plate gave it away. God those are gross looking. You should be ashamed of your cookies. Nobody's going to eat them.



sk

You're Abusing the Right to Comment on Evite

Mood: Good, sort of fighting a cold, but good.
Listening To: Karen O. & Squeak E. Clean
Location: cube

Dear Friends,
I've been holding this one in for awhile but I just can't take it anymore. It's the holiday season and there are all kinds of fun holiday parties. When you get an Evite, you should only comment if you are fucking hilarious. I'm so tired of seeing lame ass comments left by people trying too hard to be funny. On the flip side if you are funny, let it out. It's unfortunate that all the bad unfunny people get to overshadow your wit and humor.

What should we do about this you ask? It's simple really. Evite should add a piece of functionality to their site where the person making the invite list can check off the people who are allowed to comment. Viola! All funny, all the time.

Now, until this is implemented I encourage all of you making an Evite to include a list of your people who are or are not allowed to comment. Everyone will love you for it. In case you're confused about what falls into the funny/unfunny category, I've captured some comments for you from a recent Evite I responded to. Click to enlarge and read along.



sk
P.S. If you're unsure whether or not your comment is funny, then don't post it, cause it's not. Okay, glad we cleared this up.

why

Mood: Hazy
Listening To: Magnet
Location: cube


Dear PF,
I have issue with your giant big-gulp that seems to be permanently attached to your carnie hand. The build up of lipstick is so fucking gross and it screams unsanitary. In addition to myself, I've seen other people stare at this nasty straw you've smothered with your horrible choice in lip color in disgust. Totally inappropriate lipstick color for daytime (or at all in your case). Make it stop.
sk

Dear Shiny Bicycle.

Mood: Average. Holiday is over.
Listening To: the Shins
Location: home, my big red chair

Dearest Cruiser bicycle,
I need to retire you for the winter. I know, I know, we've had some really great times over the last few months. It's nothing you did. You did nothing wrong. You are a beautiful, shiny ray of light and I'm certain we have a future together. It's not you, it's me. I just cannot ride you all winter. I'm sorry. Goodbye.


xoxo
sk

Corkscrew, you torture me.

Mood: Desperate
Listening To: Apostle of Hustle
Location: home, my big read chair

Wine bottle opener.

Where. The fuck. Are you.

I've searched every drawer, shelf and cabinet. I flipped every table. I just emptied out my handbag like a crack-whore as that is your usual home. This is so agitating. What kind of a seasoned drinker/wino only has ONE fucking corkscrew?! I just wanted one measly glass of Cab to self medicate before going back to work tomorrow. Maddening. I have needs. This is sad.

Attention Security Guards

Mood: Great
Listening To: Of Montreal
Location: my place of work

To all hired Security Guards,
I'm going to need you to please validate your jobs for me as I have never found you useful. You guys are such jokes, walking around in your stupid smoky-the-bear hats hoping to bust people for things that don't matter because your penis never grew since you were born. You guys are everywhere and you're causing me to get early frown lines on my face. Just fuck off already.


This stupid notice was on my car this morning. Granted, I drive like Helen Keller and don't have a lot of regard for others when I'm behind the wheel. But I was parked fine. Mr. Security Guard where were you when there was a drive-by shooting? Or when some crazy guy was running down the street with a butcher knife a few months ago? You were in the lobby sitting on your fat ass shoving pizza in your fat mouth, that's where you were. Guess what genius, shit doesn't go down in the lobby or in the gated parking lot. I bet you work at the mall during the day.
I hope you have a heart attack.
-sk

Dearest CocoRosie,

Mood: Stressed the fuck out.
Listening To: Sigur Rós, Heim
Location: gray sad bastard cubicle



Dear CocoRosie,
Just got my hands on this album, Noah's Ark today. This might be the best album cover art I've ever seen.
Love. It.

Cheers,
sk

Dearest Múm

Mood: Burnt. Too much work.
Listening To: Tunng
Location: My place



To the members of Múm,
I saw your show last night at the Gothic. I was wide-eyed and amazed. I was absolutely blown away. I was paralyzed and fascinated and I never wanted it to end. It was like a time warp. Bravo.

sk

Dear Rogue Wave

Mood: Procrastinatory
Listening To: Radiohead, In Rainbows
Location: My P's house, Morrison

Dear Rogue Wave,
I went to your show on Friday night. It was sad, tired and piss poor. I left early. Jerks.

sk

It's either you or me Beetle, and it ain't gonna be me...

Mood: Sleepy
Listening To: Tunng, Comments Of The Inner Chorus
Location: Home

To the Beetle I just slaughtered,
I'm not sorry you nasty dirty beetle, I have no remorse for killing you. You were the most giant beetle I've ever seen. The crunching noise you made when I crushed you just made me sick. I couldn't just swat you and be done with it, I had to beat the shit out of you because of your hard candy shell. It was like beating a turtle. You were so big you were the size of a silver dollar. You were so big, a baby could've put a saddle on you and ridden you around. You were so big I was scared you would eat my dog. You were so big, for the love of god, you better be the only one. Do giant man-beetles run in packs?

sk

Fuck you homewrecker

Mood: Fine, but a little sad about this particular subject.
Listening To: The new Band of Horses, Cease to Begin. It's a fantastic follow up album.
Location: Cubicle


Crook (you know who you are),
Hank has gone missing from my family of finger horses. You must return him, you've now created a broken home. Rita, Hank, Gary and Igor are a family and you just plucked Hank right out of his environment. Having three finger horses is UNACCEPTABLE. Please return him to my desk as soon as you find it within your cold, black heart to do so. jerk.
sk

Dear Youngsters

Mood: busy
Listening to: Portishead, Dummy
Location: cubicle

Hey kids,
Be extra careful when you're comping up some boards. And never use sharp objects when you're in a hurry. Especially exacto-knives. Otherwise you end up with a dirty little cut up digit like me. So irresponsible. I hope that slab of skin stays on there. ouchy.

Dear David Clifton... Soul Restoration? Poppycock.

Mood: boo, working on a saturday. it's gorgeous outside. the dog is mad.
Listening to: Alias, Muted
Location: my couch


Dear David Clifton,
So the other day I'm walking down to the local bar (naturally) with my neighbor and along the way we hear a racket coming from your Jesus To The World Center. Curious of your methods for restoring souls we approach. I'm calling bullshit on this one David. I listened and watched for a good 15 minutes and all you were doing was wasting homeless people's time (of course, they have a lot of free time on their hands I would imagine, so whatever). Your space was dark and dingy and the crazies in there were just watching blankly as you preached nonsense. And nothing happened. No restored souls. No Ta-Da! What a let down.

sk

To all the men who drive a Toyota truck

Mood: Indecisive
Listening to: Velvet Underground
Location: my cube

To all the men who drive a Toyota truck of some sort,
Now I know this doesn't count for all of you, but you know who you are. Why in the hell do you feel it necessary to scratch off the letters of the Toyota logo on the back of your truck to spell other things? Do you think it makes you look clever or witty? It's about as classy as riding a mechanical bull. When I see "TOY" or "YO" on the back of your tawdry truck I cringe.

Guess what, you all just got one-upped big time. I know it's a crappy camera phone pic but that sticker says "MY OTHER TOY HAS TITS". His other "toy" was even riding shotgun. She must be one classy broad. This is just unbearable. I hope a semi rear-ends that truck and ruins all his toys.

Who did this?

Mood: Intrigued
Listening to: Kaos, Now & Forever
Location: my cube

So I come back to my desk after a meeting and this poor little praying mantis is left for dead on my laptop. Of course I did a shoot with the little guy. That was over 2 hours ago. It's still twitching. It's kind of creepy and great. Whoever you are, thanks for the almost-dead pet. Please let's limit this almost-dead gifting to insects. I don't want to come back to my desk to find almost-dead puppies, babies and the like.

Thanks I think.
sk

Dear drive-by shooters

Mood: Gloomy. It's gloomy outside.
Listening to: Cloud Cult
Location: my cube

Dearest drive-by shooters,
I live in the building across the street from the club you were shooting at. Apparently you woke up a bunch of people on a work-night and that is just plain rude and inconsiderate. Stella the dog and I are good sleepers so you didn't bother me. But really? Really? Is resorting to a drive-by really necessary?

First of all, I cannot think of a more cowardly way to approach something. If you were a real gangster you would look your enemies in the eye instead of resorting to a drive-by like a bunch of bitches. Also, don't you have jobs? commitments? things to do? I mean, it's a Tuesday. Going out on a Tuesday is a stretch for me. Going out clubbin' on a Tuesday is even more of a stretch. Going out to the club to cap some asses? On a Tuesday? I guess I'll just never understand certain lifestyles.

At any rate, if you could refrain from having shoot-outs in my neighborhood that would be great. Okay then. Thanks!

sk

Dear Miss S. Carolina

Mood: A little distracted
Listening to: Velvet Underground
Location: my cube

You are a dumb twat.
Give me one good reason why beauty pageants are a good idea.

sk

I hate your hat

Mood: ready for the weekend
Listening to: Tegan and Sara
Location: my cube

To the terd standing in front of me at the show,
You suck and I hate your hat. Truly, that hat is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
sk

Dealin' Doug: A word with you about your rings please

Mood: fried and strung out on green tea
Listening to: Múm, Summer Make Good
Location: my cube


Dear Dealin' Doug,
I sat behind you at the Rockies game the other night. First of all, you are sporting a lovely tan. I mean, it's really something'. But what I'd really like to address are your rings.

Are they all really necessary? You had one giant piece of metal on each one of your digits. I kept waiting for you to talk to your friends like you do in your commercials, shaking your ringed fingers about and yelling at everyone to buy a car. You never did, clearly that crazed man is just your tv personality. Unfortunately, the rings are a part of your everyday wardrobe. Do you sleep in them? Do you get them out of order sometimes? When you take them off do you line them all up in a line on your dresser as not to forget the order? One more question. Why not just wear brass knuckles all the time? It would take much less time to put them on and it would be serving basically the same purpose. Yeah, do it.

Lovely to see you and all your rings,
sk

Dear sign-maker

Mood: slammed at work
Listening to: Four Tet
Location: my cube


Dear sign-maker,
I just wanted to let you know that it is summer time. We're talkin' 100 degree days. Let me tell you how appealing hot soup sounds after 18 holes on a scorching day. It doesn't sound appealing at all. Not even a little bit. You're kind of a moron. Let me know if you want suggestions for what that sign should say.

sk

children. stop it.

Mood: Strung out on benedryl
Listening to: Ken's music
Location: Ken's cube



Dear odd children,
What the hell is going on here? a number of us showed out for a kickball game but were distracted by this brother riding his sister like a horse all around the field for like half an hour. Where are your parents? Why are you doing that? You've created a train wreck, we couldn't bare to watch yet we couldn't look away. Seriously, quit riding your sister you hilljack.

sk

dude, you are grossing me out

Mood: not motivated to be working on a sunday
Listening to: baseball (boring). but there are other people in here who are watching.
Location: i-cafe


To the guy sitting across from me in this i-cafe. You have been gnawing on your fucking hands the ENTIRE time you've been in here (at least an hour). You're doing it right now. So. fucking. gross. I can't stand it when people do this. I mean, if you're hungry and would like a snack for the love of god don't chew your digits. If you have a hang nail then get the proper supplies and take care of it. I cannot wait for you to leave so I won't have to watch you cannibalize yourself.

cnn.com - you've GOT to be kidding me

Mood: busy
Listening to: Nightsongs album, Stars
Location: work


What is wrong with this picture. cnn.com you need to get your shit together. Clearly you thought that Paris Hilton getting out of the slammer was important enough to list the headline twice. Really, I'm sure there are other headlines that are far more important. You're a bunch of insulting fake-news jerks. Ugh... don't even get me started.

sk

Hey beret-wearer, please rethink this fashion choice

Mood: still lazy
Listening to: Some Spy movie playing in the background, but not really watching
Location: couch at home

So there's this guy I keep seeing around work who wears a beret probably 3 days a week. What is that all about? I mean, a beret? Really? Functionally or fashionably I see no upside to this choice in brimless head decoration. I beg you, rethink this fashion choice.
-sk

Dearest Ed, you are a vision

Mood: Lazy
Listening to: Some Spy movie playing in the background, but not really watching
Location: couch at home

Dear Ed,
You are a vision in the sun my friend. Feels like summer.

Dearest Dog, the bounty hunter....

Mood: Wired
Listening to: The American Analog Set
Location: couch at home


Dear "Dog",
Today I was in a car with some co-workers and we were driving back to the office from a client meeting. I looked out the window and your hair was like a beacon of light all long and wavy and blonde (and dry and fried, you could really use a good conditioning treatment). You are straight out of a jock-rock video circa 1985. It was so classic because you and your crew were walking out of Red Lobster. Of course you dine there. I am a huge fan of your show even though I've only seen it 2 times, I just love the whole thing you have going on. This is my favorite clip of you (click to see vid).

"Absolutely this is it maybe." -Dog, Bounty Hunter
That quote is solid gold my friend. Keep catching the tweaks.

Best,
sk

Thanks Brianne

Mood: Focused
Listening to: Eastern Glow, The Album Leaf
Location: work


Brianne lives in my building. Brianne is a peppy little Broncos cheerleader. Sometimes Brianne will put together a bag breakfast for everyone in the morning. She lets us pick between 3 different kinds of breakfast burritos some fruit and lil' juice BOX DRINKS. How much do I love box drinks? Almost as much as I love breakfast burritos.

Dear Brianne,
You are a little charmer you are. Thanks for breakfast. I'm a huge fan of your efforts.
sk

People Watching

Mood: Neutral
Listening to: Ageless Beauty (The Most Serene Republic Mix), Stars
Location: My parent's couch



Weird little dude,
You stood there with your hands like that for a good 5 minutes. So odd, but thanks for the good people watching.

sk

Dear little duck...

Mood: Still waking up
Listening to: We Have A Map of the Piano, Mum
Location: Sitting on my bed


Dear little duck,
I'm very sorry for what is about to happen to you.

bye,
sk

To the guy I just shared an elevator with...

Mood: Annoyed. Something is very drying in the air today and I want to scratch my eyeballs out.
Listening to: Show Your Bones, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Location: work

Hey asshole,
You need to drop the sentence "Happy Hump Day" from your vernacular. If you don't have anything of substance to say but feel compelled to open your piehole a simple "Hello" will suffice. Why are people so uncomfortable in silence that they say stupid shit like happy fucking hump day. I just wanted to let you know that it's the worst saying ever. Makes you look dumb and makes me look like a jerk when I'm forced to just glare at you because I cannot muster anything more in response to your comment. Please. Stop it.

sk

To all the geeks, I love you but...

Mood: Exhausted Traveler
Listening to: A lady having an absolute melt down at the ticket counter.
Location: Stranded at the Toronto airport (canceled flight)

So here's the thing. I'm at this FITC conference in Toronto. And it's a fun deal, I'm learning a lot, hanging out with the best people and Toronto is a very cool city. I just have one major issue. You get around 1,000 geeks in one space and it's fucking gridlock. Why is it like this? Because geeks have no intuition on how and when to move or where to go. It's part of what makes them socially awkward geeks. No body/social awareness. It was so unbelievable, I couldn't get anywhere to save my life, always some mouth-breather in the way. While I realize that they are trying so hard to contain their excitement since they no doubt came from a mesmerizing presentation about something completely up their ally, you can walk and get out of the way AND daydream about AS3 + Flash CS3 at the same time.
Really. It's possible.

To the guy sitting in 23F

Mood: Eager
Listening to: C'est La Vie, Robbie Nevel (my location will explain)
Location: Weird sports bar at the Kansas City airport. 3 hour layover. Worst. Music. Ever.

To the guy sitting in 23F,
Would it kill you to moisturize? You had the driest elbows I've ever seen in my life. Eeewww. Lotion wouldn't help you now. Dry dirty elbows are gross.

sk

Is this really necessary?

Mood: Hungover
Listening to: Combat Baby, Metric
Location: Work

All of this shit packed into that closet serves one purpose. Know what it is? What do a pumpkin, a watermelon, a cornucopia, the US flag, Santa Claus and candles all have in common I ask you? They are all possible table settings of course. That's right, this closet is filled to the rim of table decor that gets changed out by the season or holiday. Hell, there's enough in there to change it out every day of the year.

Mema: We're fixin' to have dinner. Rhonda (my sister), get out the cornucopia.

Rhonda: Ummmmm, sure thing. Where exactly is this cornucopia?

Mema: In the closet of course. With all the other table decorations. (Rhonda opens said closet and I stare in amazement and probably mutter "no fucking way" under my breath)

Me: So what you're telling me is that everything in that closet is used as a table setting.

Mema: Yes, as you get older you'll need to use a storage closet for your knick-knacks and table settings because you'll collect more.

Me: (long pause) ... Right.

Am I missing something here? Am I supposed to be changing out all my decor for every occasion? Who has time for that? Old people have a lot of stuff.